Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Thoughts about love...

Here is a chat message between me and one of my best friends from a while back.  I really enjoyed typing it up and overthinking everything.   Take a little time to think about the love of God that he demonstrated to us.  Maybe you'll get a new cool perspective on things from this, or maybe it will bring back memories, but here it is...

Her question:       "What do you think is the POINT of unrequited love? I mean...WHYYYYY in the world does it even have to happen? Is unrequited love ONLY infatuation (even if it is immense infatuation), or is it real love? And why, if you are going to love someone and they don't love you back, why isn't the love simply one of friendship at first? Why doesn't it just stay at friendship and not move past that? I guess maybe it depends on the people and their situation and emotional scale or something? Maybe it's just another "experience" that God decided to throw in the mix of life? If we didn't have unrequited love, would it be better for everyone, or worse?
I just want to figure out the WHY behind it...

Just some questions...and if you want to answer them you should! I am asking the same questions of another friend and want to find out other peoples' opinions on this.

My answer:
          Weeeeellll....I don't know that one myself. Things WOULD be much easier without it.  However...
I believe iut is multi-faceted. I may nail down a more definite "if there was one I had to choose" at the end.

So, the *pont*(s) of unrequited love. The first big one that really comes to mind (and is probably the main one I'll come back to) is that...unrequited love points to Christ. Odd? I'm still trying to figure that one out, but the way I'm seeing pieces fit is kind of like this.
Christ died on the cross for our sins. In doing so, he LOVED us WAAAAAAY before we even knew him--when our whole existence in time-space (wherever that is in the eternal scheme of things) was as an enemy of God and all He stands for. Thusly, when Christ loved us, we were incapable and indeed, when we *did* live without Him in our lives, His love was unrequited. That said, though we do love Him now, there are many that still don't, some that will in the future, and some that never will. It's the same as unrequited love. Some end up working out in the long run, others never do. For me as a Christian, it just points out that the whole pont is that "God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

So, he demonstrated His love, it was an exercise of His volition. He KNEW some would never accept Him, yet he chose to love and be rejected.

point/question 2...
Unrequited love can be infatuation in some cases, but just becuase one person doesn't return it doesn't make it any less REAL. A person my *do* something to make it infatuation, but love is love is love. Infatuation is infatuation is....yeah. I see no reason why the actions of the one who does not love the other should affect the way they love. If opposition were to stop everyone from doing a difficult thing, no one would EXCEL, no one would ever FIND OUT if it were meant to be, no one would surpass expectations for their own life!!! Infatuation fades, and fades quickly. Real love persists--not to the point of being stubbornness, but to the point of knowing when to stop. If one person's hate for God affected us as to make us quit immediately, we would never evangelize or step out of our comfort zone!!! Again, just a parallel, not a bad thing in the case of the "love-ee". :P Which brings me to...

3. It's about taking risks.
Risks may scar, be remembered, hurt, etc. Love isn't *safe*.  It's *good*, but not *safe* by a long shot. My personality...I just like to take risks from time to time. It varies with my mood, but one thing I learned is that risks are not always just spur-of-the-moment decisions, but sometimes meticulously planned--for gaining more knowledge, and what's more *WISDOM*--what to do with that knowledge. With those risks come learning and a wisdom that surpasses the wisdom one had before the unrequited love. For example, in learning about someone while having a love for them, even if it is not returned, one learns how to better serve them and be a friend. Future knowledge like that can soften or even prevent future scars and struggles with *other* loves, friends, ventures and...wait for it...more calculated risks. (:

I think as to why does love not just start out as friendship...I think it really does. If it starts out *too* soon, I think yes, it could very well be infatuation. However...what makes a love--no matter how unrequited a love it is-- a love? In a true love (and this is not a Biblical parallel as much as it is a definition) someone sees something particular in the other person that they admire that they don't in other people.
(Phileo love) So...you know different types of love...it may start out as Eros--romantic love. If it progresses past that, it's probably going to be real. It goes to the Phileo stage. At that point, with both, one has seen in the other something they admire. The other person, however, may have Phileo love without Eros love--thus even though they may want to be friends, the "romantic" part is not there. The elements of Phileo are present in both parties in a (true love) unrequited love situation. In infatuation, there is just Eros for the one, Phileo, Agape--uinconditional love, or even nothing at all in the way of love for the other. Also--love must progress past the physical outward appearance to be real and not infatuation. The "something" one sees in another person must be a greater, more important attribute (than good looks or a fun personality, etc.)

I think this is all tying back in to the *point* of unrequited love, though. It's hard keeping everything straight... :P

Anyway, depending on how the "loved one" responds to that, it may just very well *not* pass beyond friendship. If the "love-er" sees that Eros love is not present in the other, most likely if it was a true love, they will still want to be friends with that person. (ie. because of the special attribute they saw in the first place).
It will pass oftentimes in *infatuation* as well, the difference in the passing being there may not be an interest in the PERSON and the aforementioned *characteristic*..."since they don't love me back, they have nothing more to offer me, so I can completely and totally move on." 

Haha, if we didn't have unrequited love, think of all experiences that would be lost--both good and bad--the friendships that wouldn't exist.... (: A lot of peeps would be machines walking around. Think about it...unrequited love is one of the risks of life. Even the 1-2 people on the adventure scale need SOME excitement.

So....paragraph 5 (line 2 and on) needs clarification.

Infatuation/love are OBVIOUSLY 2 very different things, and I do view them as such. In the case of infatuation, it is just unrequited infatuatoin. I'd say that is absolutely fine, and a good thing. Sometimes, however, it is hard to see clearcut *lines* between infatuation/love. (refer to paragraph 7 for more complete guidelines.) If someone really DOES love another with a true love, then they should continue until there is a certain and definite-- "This isn't going to work out." If someone who really loves someone else fails and falls at the first hardship, there would be no real love. Period. Love is fraught with hardship, and unrequited love is no exeption. That said, infatuation is infatuation is...yeah."

Her: "WOW - wonderful!!  That was beyond what I expected answer wise!

All of what you wrote is very interesting to think about...nice to see someone else's point of view.

One thing...
I asked why when you love someone as a friend, why it moves past that stage for some people, and not for another. I think you misunderstood my question (the paragraph under #3)...I do believe that real love starts out w/ friendship (it's better!!!)...just clarifying that.
But I worded that question weirdly anyway so it was my fault..."

 Me:       "Ah, got it. It did *kinda* sound like you were saying there were times when friendship was skipped, and I was like...whuuuuut? But now I see what you meant. (:

As to that...I really don't know why God has purposed for some people to "move farther" with their friendship into what we could call romantic love. It's just a thing that needs to be experienced, I suppose. I certainly don't understand it. This said, however, I am of the conviction that love between a man and a woman is more special--like the relationship between Christ and the church. For me, there's always also been this...thing, like doing something for one's true love (even though one might do something very similar or the same for a best friend) that sets it apart from being "just" an act for a friend. Not just the big things like perhaps having to give up comfort and certain attitudes, belongings, feelings, or even up to one's life, but also just doing the little things like just being a kind person and doing things--random little things. Does that make any sense at all or is it hopeless rambling? I'm a hopeless romantic underneath, so maybe in that light/mindset it makes more sense, but that's just a thought."

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